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Courage doesn't always roar...
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

For photos referred to in my WLS Journal, please visit http://picturetrail.com/carolineam. The password for the  My Reconstructive Journey albums is ps . Please view the photos in these albums with care as some of them are of a very graphic nature.

PRE-OP, JANUARY 2003 to MAY 2003

~~~~~~ 1/21/03 - Approximate Weight 355 lbs
Greetings everyone! I am wanting to thank everyone here at ObesityHealth.com for posting your updates and photos! They are ALL so inspirational and HELPFUL!

My name is Caroline, and I am originally from Long Island (East Rockaway), New York although I now live in Orange County, California following meeting my hubby 7 years ago in an AOL Poetry Message Board. We will be moving to Collegeville, PA sometime in the near future. I love to write, sculpt and draw, and while functioning well in many respects of my life, dealing with my weight has been an ongoing struggle for the past 14 years.

I am 33, 5'5" tall, and 355 pounds at this time (and still gaining) :( I never really battled with obesity as a child or teen (minus wanting to lose 5 lbs or so), but at age 19, I gained over 100 lbs in less than one year. My highest ever (so far?) was 359. The lowest I've ever been able to reach (but not maintain) since initially gaining the weight was 235 lbs (Oct 2000). I am married to a very active and wonderful guy for 5 1/2 years, and while the thought of the pain involved with the surgery as well as the 2% risk of death due to the surgery absolutely TERRIFIES me, I can't help but to entertain the thought of what life could be like with my hubby at a normal weight. Part of me thinks "just go back on a diet again - you've done it before and lost 60 lbs, 125 lbs, and then 40 lbs", yet I know that in reality I'll probably gain it all back yet AGAIN going this route.

Awhile back, I was told I wouldn't be a candidate for the surgery by one doctor (not a bariatric physician) because I have a history of compulsive overeating. This doesn't make sense to me as I'd think that the majority of people who are morbidly obese would have an eating disorder (and if due to a medical problem, then wouldn't that be treated as opposed to bariatric surgery?). I am hoping that having the surgery will help somewhat with compulsive overeating and the desire to binge, although from everything I am reading, I am going to have to continue to work really hard on this in therapy.

I am also a survivor of severe childhood abuse and have PTSD and DID as a result and am concerned about how this may play out following surgery. I know it has definitely had an impact on my journey with obesity thus far.

As for the thought of surgery, I am a wimp when it comes to pain! LOL I keep trying to remind myself that it would all be worth it in the end, yet that fear is definately causing a LOT of hesitation towards further considering WLS as an option. Any thoughts for a 'fraidy cat?

LATE NIGHT SNACK

she plows through guilt
seeks nowhere numb
feelings locked away
fear in her heart
shame she bites again
oblivious to repercussions
hide and deny the truth
to her sickness

© 11/30/02, Caroline A. Martin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IN LINE AT MCDONALDS

she sits in line a struggle inside
engine hums and shame runs deep
inside a body that can not move
nor dance the way she wants yet
she sits in line waits for comfort
to numb the mind into distraction

(c) 1/20/03, CAM

~~~~~~ 4/19/03 - Approximate Weight 365 lbs
Above are some embarrassing pre-op photos. I hate these photos for obvious reason. And the scary thing is that I am now 20 lbs heavier than I was in these photos...

Well, the great news is that I've completed all my tests and the surgeon has given the ok that the Coastal Center for Obesity (where I will be going) will accept Medicare as payment in full :) My primary health insurance won't cover it at all as anything related to weight loss is considered an exclusion. So I am so thankful that they will accept the Medicare in full. I will be meeting with the anesthesiologist (sp?), psychologist, and surgeon on Tuesday, the 29th and if all goes well (which I am sure it will), I will be given a surgery date that day. The surgery could take place as early as early/mid May :)

There's a woman in my inperson support group (through the Coastal Center for Obesity) who is about my age and has lost about 170 lbs. I saw her before and after photos at our last meeting, and she looks just like she did when she was a teenager. The transformation was nothing short of amazing... Thus, here is a photo of me at age 17 or 18 and about 125 lbs (below). Gosh, to think I could ever look (and feel) like that again??? Granted, I know I will never look like I did at 18 and before all the yo-yo'ing, yet just to be closer to this than where I am now is very exciting and gives me great hope for a better tomorrow...
 

~~~~~~ 4/30/03 - Weight 367 lbs
Well, guess what? I went to the surgeon's yesterday and got all of my clearances needed for the gastric bypass surgery and was given a surgery date - and it is THIS FRIDAY at 7:30 a.m. (YES, only 1 1/2 days away)! Yeah and Eeks!!!! SOOOOOOO scared yet at the same time looking forward to getting it done and over with so that I can begin my new life as a healthy, average weight person with lots of things to look forward to doing and participating in :)

Having the surgery so soon, of course throws a kink into some of my plans for decluttering and cleaning my home, as well as for following up on all of Alan's mom's estate. There is soooooo much to do before tomorrow night and I've no clue how I'll get it all done. I've still lots of phone calls and paperwork to go through, cleaning, eBay packing and mailing, etc. to do on top of the packing for the surgery - all things I'd intended on completing prior to surgery so that when I come home, I could focus on recovering.

Alan will be with me on Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning but will be leaving Sunday afternoon to go out-of-state for training related to his work. He'll be coming back next Friday, the 9th sometime in the evening. And dad and his sweetie Ellen are in Florida for the next 2 weeks :( Fortunately, I have some wonderful, supportive friends , who are going to be helping me either by visiting, staying with me, or watching over our critters while we're gone. I expect to be in the hospital at least until Sunday or Monday assuming their are no complications and everything goes smooth (praying this will be the case :).

Then Monday, I will be having a close friend (see above photo) come down from Northern CA (near Oakland/San Franscisco) who will be staying with me until Friday when Alan comes home. She is highly allergic to kitties so we'll be staying at a hotel near the hospital through Friday afternoon. In a way, this works out perfect as gosh forbid there is any emergency, I will be within minutes of the hospital. Also, I won't have to worry about our cats (especially Cocoa) trying to jump up on me for attention or to sleep on me in my first days after surgery (ow, that would hurt!). And of course, it will be great to see her, as we don't get to see each other all too often given we live on opposite ends of the state.

So keep me in your thoughts and prayers :) I am certainly praying for things to go smooth and without pain! (although somehow, knowing me and how much of a baby I can be when it comes to pain, I don't see this happening LOL) I could have waited until June for the surgery, but with plans to be moving by the end of the year and needing to go back East in June to deal with the estate, it is good that I am getting this done now rather than later. Also, with it coming up so suddenly, there's not a lot of time for panic to set in.

IN SILENCE

throughout the years she sat in silence
full with memories seeking release
she held on thick with perseverance
rebelled against past full of angst
stuffed emotions deep inside
pushed each bite into her core
trapped inside flesh all the while screaming
throughout the years she sat in silence

© 4/30/03, Caroline Ann Martin

~~~~~~5/1/03 - Weight 367 lbs
I pray that I'll be one of those few people who go through it without much pain and who are going to support group meetings only 3 days out of surgery! Hmmmm.... somehow I don't think I will be (I am a HUGE baby when it comes to even the smallest pain LOL), but I am certainly hoping for this!

Yes, I am so looking forward to being able to take back my life and not me stuck inside the fat any longer. I weighed in Tues and the scale said 367..... Just to see that number hasn't really sunk in as I certainly don't feel this heavy (even though my body tells me I am). I look forward to being the weight that I feel inside that I am. And yes, I look forward to the day when it's the opposite - that my body tells me I'm thin but my brain is still saying fat. Physically and emotionally, I know I am looking forward to a "ride of my life", and while I'm scared, I know in the end it's a ride I'll appreciate. It's like a roller coaster I would think - one is always hesitant to get on the ride, is scared going up, scared coming down, yet when the ride stops, it was a great experience and one wants to go again. Hmmmm... perhaps this isn't the greatest example as I doubt I'll be wanting to do it again (sure hope not!) LOL, but you get my point :)

Talk about embarrassing - when I stepped up to get on the examining table, the table started tipping over! Geesh! I'd have thought the tables would be plenty strong and weighted given the center is specifically for WLS patients, but guess not! Hope they don't drop me when moving me before and after surgery!

Hmmmmmm..... As a question to anyone reading this who might know, given my weight and past failure at maintaining weight loss (even though I was successful at losing it), I was thinking the Distal RNY or Duodenal Switch would be best based on all of my research. But when I went to see the surgeon this past Tues, he advised the regular RNY and said that I can expect to do very well with this. He further said that with the Distal RNY or Duodenal Switch, that the operation would have to be done via open surgery as opposed to laproscopic, and that complications with the Distal RNY were greater not to mention problems with gas and "smell". Hmmmm.... I am worried that I'll have the regular RNY done and then regret it later that I didn't go the Distal RNY route simply because I don't want open surgery or gas problems. Any advice?

NEWLY POST-OP, MAY 2003

~~~~~~5/2/03, Friday 4:43 a.m. - Weight 367 lbs -
Well, here I am! The big day! 7:30 a.m. and I'll be being wheeled into the operating room! Will be leaving in about 1/2 hour to go to the hospital and have yet to finish packing and shower! Procrastinating even to the last minute! Woke this morning totally anxious thinking I would just cancel the whole thing LOL! But I guess there's no way but forward now! Please keep me in your prayers everyone! I prayed that I'd get an early surgery date, and per my hubby, he thinks "we prayed too much" LOL I only hope the actual surgery and recovery goes as smooth! Sending hugs to all and looking forward to being on the other side soon and safe! (Geesh, look at all those apostrophes! Can you tell I'm scared, nervous, anxious and excited?! tehe :)


~~~~~~5/7/03, Wednesday 8 p.m. - Weight 361 lbs
Hello, this is Caroline's husband, Alan. My better half asked me to write you this update while she is recuperating and away form her 'puter. Her surgery went fine last Friday and as of Monday when she was released from the hospital, she'd already lost 6 pounds. What a great start! And she is doing great. There is a little pain and discomfort but less than she feared. Most of the discomfort is around her drain incision. She said it is hard to tell the difference between feeling hungry, satisfied and full. She also said thanks to everyone here for yuor support and being so helpful. I'll/we'll keep you updated! Take care until then.

ROOM FOR GROWTH (written in the hospital a day after my WLS)
in the garden in her mind
she lays propped against a tree
branches encircle provide her shelter
a flower she plucks
a weed she uproots
creating room for her growth

© 5/3/03, C Martin
 

~~~~~~5/10/03, Saturday, 12:00pm - Weight 355 lbs -
Well, I made it through to the other side :) And I've already lost 12 lbs in just the first week! It seems like just yesterday that I was heading into surgery! The surgery went well and with only minor pain. Of course, I wound up with the Lap RNY, and my surgeon told me that he bypassed about 150 cm (5 feet) of small intestine. I think the worst part was the IV and later the drain area being tender. The above is a photo of me 6 days post-op and 12 lbs lighter :) I was so happy to get the drain removed soon after the above photo was taken (and nope, it didn't hurt coming out at all).

I was so scared that the pain would be intolerable, but it wasn't in the least. Infact, I woke up in the recovery room from a dream and feeling famished and VERY hungry, thinking that they didn't do the surgery at all - that perhaps the surgeon had reservations about my having PTSD and DID... Because there was no pain and no nauseau, I actually had to ask if the surgery was done, and even then, not believing the nurse's answer, I pulled up the covers to check to see if I had any bandages/drain. LOL

Walking was hard the first day, but by the 2nd day, I was up and walking laps around the nurse's station, and by the 3rd day, I was released to go home. On the 4th day (Tuesday), I was eager to get out of the hotel I was staying in near the hospital, and my friend and I walked around Downtown Disneyland for a couple of hours.

Thank you to everyone who sent their best wishes to me! It really helped so so much and, indeed, I felt very protected and watched over as I went into surgery! And most of all, thank you to my close friend who flew
down from the Northern CA just to be with me and take care of me my first week out of the hospital. I don't know what I'd have done without you, and I had such a wonderful time spending the week with you!!!

As for eating/food stuff, I am having a hard time with cravings and it is VERY hard to know when I am satisfied. It seems that hungry and full feels the same and I've yet to experience satisfaction. I even cheated three times so far and all times I did not feel full (first time with 1/2 a Smart One's Pizza, the second time with a Smart Ones Ice Cream Cone, and the third time with 6 small hot wings. Hmmmm.... is it possible that they didn't do the surgery? LOL

Seriously speaking though, I am scared as I really want to do this right, and I want to make sure that I follow doctor's orders which is to do an all liquid, high protein supplement diet (HMR) for the first month before incorporating solid foods into my diet. I know about liquids going through one's pouch fairly fast and thus not making one feel full, but shouldn't I have felt full from what I ate? The first few days, I had a hard time feeling satisfied with the shake/liquid supplements and drank until I was super full. Could it be that I already stretched my pouch or even worse? Worried that I've already done something to mess up the surgery and/or that my pouch/stoma is too big, etc...


~~~~~~5/11/03 Sunday, 11:00pm - Weight Aprox. 350 lbs
OK.... Terrified here. I've been physically hungry most of yesterday and all of today. Yesterday, late afternoon I cheated again eating 6 oz of an 8 oz, 200 calorie, high protein HMR entree :( Following that, I resolved myself to stick to the liquid fast from here on out (for the next 3 weeks), but don't understand how in the world I was able to eat so much only 8 days out from surgery. Today, I have been physically hungry the entire day. I had 4 of the supplements, 1 1/2 cups of chicken boullion, and 3 popsicles throughout the day and couldn't fathom doing yet another supplement when I was still so hungry at 9 p.m.. I had a Dannon Light and Fit 6 oz yogurt and was able to have the whole thing no problem... And I am STILL hungry - so much that my stomach is spasming and is growling, and I feel nausous. (the same way I felt pre-op when I was super hungry. Again, what is going on??? I should be so full I am ready to pop, but I feel like I am starving. And it isn't just head hunger, it is VERY REAL, full blown physical hunger. I don't understand this at all and am very scared that this is a sign that the surgery will not help me - that all I am doing right now with the liquid fast is just this stupid diet all over again. And while I have willpower to stick to it as close as possible, eventually willpower runs thin. Pre-surgery I did this twice with the HMR liquid fast - first time I lost 125 lbs in 9 months only to gain 123 lbs back in 9 months. The second time I lost 45 lbs in 2 months only to gain it all back in an equally short time. I am going to call the Coastal Center for Obesity tomorrow and am praying that all is ok. But I am really scared and would be lying to say I am not questioning whether this surgery will work for me or not. While I've already lost 17 lbs, how am I going to manage to continue to lose (over 200 lbs) and keep it off if I am feeling hungry all the time and am able to eat so much??????


~~~~~~5/12/03 Monday, 10:30 p.m.- Weight Aprox. 350 lbs
I spoke with Debbie from the center today (the nurse at Coastal Center for Obesity) and she advised using non-fat milk instead of water and adding a banana to it, when making the shakes so I tried that and while I don't like the taste of it (it is WAY too sweet), it is helping with the hunger some :)

I am going to assume that that what happened with the pizza and other things I went off the liquid diet with is that I chewed everything so much that it was like it was pureed (not sure of the spelling on that one) and that it simply "went through" my system like liquid. I am having a little bit of pain in my left lower abdomen area, but I think it is just gas or the fact that it is becoming "that time of the month". I do have this nagging thought in the back of my head that perhaps it is a stapleline disruption, ulcer, or something like this, but I am going to wait and see what happens as otherwise I feel fine (but gassy).


~~~~~~5/13/03 Tuesday, 2:20 p.m.- Weight Aprox. 348 lbs
I was hoping that I would avoid the depression so common for so many people out of WLS a few weeks. I feel it coming and had a really hard time getting up and out of bed this morning as a result. I've dealt with major depression most of my life, and even though I know it is common for recent post-ops, it is still hard. What I am trying to do is to be gentle with myself and know that this is just "part of the process." I am home all day today and am going to let myself "veg" for most of the day. I have A LOT of stuff to do here though (like still unpack from my time at the hospital and hotel), so to make it that I don't feel guilty about not doing anything and frustrated because of the mess, I am going to try my best just to clear off the coffee table and unpack a little of one of my bags if nothing else. This way I can still feel like I accomplished something while letting myself just "be" today. Part of me just wants to bury myself under the covers and fast forward 4 weeks until I can eat solid food again, but I know that this hard time will pass and all will be ok. Just "riding the wave"...


~~~~~~5/16/03 Friday, 7:00 p.m.- Weight Aprox. 344 lbs
It's been 2 weeks since surgery and still feeling a bit down but better than I was on Tuesday. My hubby and I both came down with pretty bad headcolds so I think this might be partly what's at play in terms of feeling depressed. I've been much better at sticking to the liquid fast/shakes and am getting more water in as well, although I still need to up both the shakes and the water. My tummy has been itching like there's no tomorrow (assuming it is from healing of the incisions/drain area), although this morning the three areas where I had bruising - all of them at least a few inches from the lowest incision and at least 2" in diameter - showed up as red, raised welts. And the one nearest my belly button has some form of mass deep underneath the skin. I called the surgeon and spoke with him about this and he doubts there is a hernia or anything. He doesn't know what it would be, but he advised me to call first thing Monday morning for an appt if they are still there. I am wondering if his "inspecting" my "mystery" pain in the lower left quadrant of my abdomen/pelvic area has anything to do with it. He didn't see anything that would be causing the pain, but perhaps just looking in that area caused the bruising and perhaps some form of cyst? It reminds me of what I had on my R lower leg following falling down a flight of stairs back in the early/mid 90's. I am soooooo wanting to go swimming, and miss being able to go to the pool. One of the niceties of living in a condo complex is having a pool to go to in the morning. It is frustrating not being able to take advantage of it. Even my gym where they have the pool would be great. But nope - have to wait until all of the incisions are completely healed. All but the drain area are almost healed. Wish there was some way to speed this up as I am eager to get in the pool and do some laps!


~~~~~~5/19/03 Monday, 1:00 p.m.- Weight Aprox. 342 lbs
Eeks... Just learned about where taking one bite/sip too many will take one. I really thought I was fine, but nope, I was certainly wrong! I felt myself feeling full from almost one small "stick" of light string cheese but thought I would be fine having the last little bit of it. WRONG. I knew immediately when I swallowed that last bit that I wouldn't keep it down. I wound up feeling very sick and it hurt inside where my pouch is. And shortly after it all came up. Not a fun experience, and I can see why it's said that once you take one bit too many, don't chew enough, eat the wrong things, etc. you will be careful not to do it again. And as sick as I feel right now, I am glad that this happened - that my body is telling me what it can and can't handle.


~~~~~~5/21/03 Wednesday, 3:30 p.m.- Weight Aprox. 342 lbs
I went to the surgeon's yesterday to follow up about the rash/welts on my tummy and arm, and while he isn't sure what it is, we think it is related to an allergy to the heparin injections I had while in the hospital. Also, apparently my scale is not as accurate as I thought - it shows a few pounds less that what my surgeon's scale says. So I've updated my weight loss dates/weight at the top of my profile. The GREAT news is that my incision areas including the drain area are healed and I've gotten the go-ahead to go swimming! My intention was to wake early this morning to go to the pool, but I've been so tired lately that I wound up sleeping until 3:00 p.m. I've been so eager to get things done around home and am trying not to get too hard on myself for not following up on things and sleeping so much. I asked the surgeon and the program nurse about this yesterday and was told that it could take a full month for the anesthesia to leave the body, so being tired for the first month following surgery is expected. As for swimming, I plan to go to our complex's pool just outside our condo in a little bit. I feel pretty self-concious going this late in the day as it is when people are coming home from work, and even though I've lost almost 25 lbs already, I am still huge. Add in my gorgeous floral swim dress (LOL) and I feel just beautiful - NOT! Hmmmm... Why is it assumed that just because a woman is obese she must love bright, floral prints???


~~~~~~~5/25/03 Sunday, 11:20 p.m.- Weight Aprox. 342 lbs (?)
I went to the nutrition class for post-ops this past Thursday and it was quite informative. Here is what I was told will be my goal in terms of daily eating: 3 meals per day spaced no more than 5 hours apart and with no snacking unless I am unable to get in more than 1 oz per meal. Clear fluids - 64 oz per day, Protein - 60 to 70 grams per day, Fat - less than 20 grams per day, Sugars - less than 13 grams per meal. I can't drink anything 30 minutes before eating and 1 1/2 hours after eating. As for vitamin supplements: Trinsicon - 2 per day, Calcium Citrate - 1000 to 1500 mg per day, Complete Multivitamin with anti-oxidants per day.

My scale doesn't seem to be working very well right now. It is 6 lbs over what is an accurate reading, and whenever I step on it, it varies anywhere from 345 to 350. But if I go by the 6 lbs over figure, then it looks as though I've been maintaining my weight and plateauing since Tuesday. And what is weird is that my measurements are actually more this week than they were last week. I doubt I could be gaining so much muscle just yet to be accounting for this, and am wondering if this is happening because I am starting to eat soft foods. I am going to try to go back to the liquid shakes only for a few days and see what happens.


1 MONTH POST-OP, JUNE 2003


~~~~~~6/2/03 Monday, 11:50 a.m.- Weight 341 lbs
It's now been a month ago today that I underwent gastric bypass surgery (medial Roux en Y - stomach and about 5 ft of small intestine bypassed.) (I need to lose and maintain the loss of over 220 lbs). I lost 12 lbs the first week, 11 lbs the second week, and only 3 lbs total the next 2 1/2 weeks. My weight is still plateauing and it is getting very frustrating to say the least! I decided to get this surgery with the hope that I would no longer have to diet and instead just make healthy food choices which the surgery would more or less make necessary unless I wanted to be sick all the time. But I am not finding this to be the case. Rather, I am still needing to diet, and even though I have been sticking to the diet and taking in less than 800 calories every day, I am "stuck" in this plateau. What is causing this plateau, why is it going on for so long and so early out from surgery, and how to get the scale moving again? Perhaps I am that one in a million person whom the surgery will not work for?

Diet Surgery (perhaps more appropriately named "Head Hunger")
 

torn eager
to hoard engulf
boredom fear
an empty place
despite surgery
needs filling

the pointer 341
creaks downward
smiles offer
encouragement
motivation
move forward

but diet it screams
die with a “t”
how long can
she persist
will this be
just another failure?

© 6/5/03, Caroline Martin


~~~~~~6/5/03 Thursday, 11:00 p.m.- Weight approx 338 lbs
Well, the scale is FINALLY moving for me! It was stuck in the low 340's for over 2 1/2 weeks, but as of yesterday morning, started moving into the high 330's. Not a lot of movement, but movement nevertheless :) I am hesitant to get my hopes up high just yet, but I am hoping that it will continue to move! I've been trying to increase what I am eating but decrease carbs as much as possible. I think it is the carbs that are making a difference. Then again, maybe my body was just recouping from the 24 lbs lost in the first two weeks following surgery. I've also been having a hard time getting my water in yesterday and today so need to focus on this more :) Dealing with the head hunger has been incredibly hard, and much of the time, this feels like I am on one of the many diets I've been on in the past. I am hoping that I prove myself wrong!


~~~~~~6/10/03 Tuesday, 1:00 PM - Weight 332 lbs
I wrote this in one of the Yahoo!Groups I belong to in response to someone's saying how she was required to go through a 6 month supervised diet prior to insurance approving WLS. This is pretty LONG, but I wanted to share it here. Hmmmm.... Wonder if there is anything people could do to speak out against these medically supervised diets?

It is well known that 90% of people who go on diets will regain most if not all + some of the weight back. I think the insurance companies forcing people to go on medically supervised diets is just another example of society's prejudice against morbidly and super obese people - "if you really wanted to lose it, you could do it." Grrrrrr...

Back in 2000, I went on a medically supervised liquid fast through UCI for 10 months and I lost 125 lbs (from 359 to 235). It was through a program that specializes in this fast (HMR) and had nutritionists, drs, etc. there to provide classes on nutrition, weekly medical followup, biweekly bloodwork, etc. I felt like I could conquer the obesity once and for all at the time, and afterall, I was being "fed" the notion that it was simply mind over matter and calories in vs calories out. Well, I eventually came off the fast and started adding back in foods. But my body was DESPERATE to eat anything and I did. To try to regain control over the binging, I started purging. Not good. I was able to stop the purging within about 2 weeks on my own, but within 9 months, I gained all of the weight back - 2 lbs. Talk about money down the drain (the program had cost me over $600 per month so you can figure out how much money I'd spent.) And, of course, I was deemed a failure and not the program.

In January 2002, desperate to "try again", I returned to the HMR fasting program at UCI. From January to about March or April, I lost another 40 pounds (from 357 to 318) but this time around, I was no where near as hopeful about losing all the weight AND maintaining it. I came to an understanding within myself that I was not going to fret over having an extra piece of gum (because that was an extra 5 calories) and that it WAS ok for me to drink Propel Water even though a bottle had 30 calories in it. After awhile, going to the groups and listening to people freak out over 30 calories grew beyond tiresome. Well, I was able to maintain my 40 lb loss for about 4 months while still going to the groups. But, of course, I was deemed a failure yet again. I was forced to join a maintenance group (as opposed to the weight loss group) and was even told by the supervising MD about how "we do gastric bypass surgery laproscopically now, but you wouldn't be a candidate for it because you aren't able to stick to this diet."

And of course, from August 2002 (which is when I was told that) to January 2003, I gained most of the 40 lbs I'd lost back (yet again). I found out about the surgery through a friend who had a nephew who went through with the surgery and that friend encouraged me to check into WLS. I started my research on obesityhelp.com and from there got up the courage to call my surgeon's office and get the paperwork and attend a seminar. That was in January 2003, and the rest is history.

But looking back, I am beyond angry over what happened at UCI. Often when I pass by there, I get this urge to picket them. LOL The program DID work to help people lose the weight, but maintenance was a different issue especially for MO and SO people. And while many DID do well, most of their patients were not morbidly and definately not super obese such as myself. The handful of other MO/SO people I met there, most dropped out the first few months. And for those who were able to lose enormous amounts of weight like I had the first time around, I didn't meet one person who hadn't gained it all back. And, of course, it was always them that failed the pogram, not that the program failed them - all the while, UCI taking in hundreds of dollars per month per patient (there were about 20 to 30 people per group and they had at least 10 groups throughout the week so you can imagine the money they were bringing in. GRRRRRR). Oh, and insurance didn't cover a dime and the program didn't accept insurance.

Anyway, I ramble.... But I have really strong feelings about these "diets" and all. Losing weight is one thing. Maintaining the loss is another. And for every "failed" diet comes more pounds, less self esteem, etc. It really wears one down. At the time I decided to go for the RNY, I felt completely hopeless to lose and maintain any loss any other way. So this is truly my "last chance" I feel.

Yet, when I was being wheeled into the operating room, I was crying, all the while thinking "what is wrong with me? why couldn't I just stick to the diet/maintenance phase of the diet?" It's hard to feel different when we are told time and time again that it is us who failed the diet and not that the diet failed us. After awhile, we begin to believe it.

***Just to clarify the above, I didn't have a problem filling the requirement of a 6 month medically supervised weight loss program, but it is very frustrating as basically, what the insurance companies are doing is REQUIRING people to fail. And there are definite consequences to yoyo'ing and all. Ideally, one would be on a supervised diet and then after losing a considerable amount of weight (and before gaining it back) would have the surgery. But I suspect that if the person were to lose considerably, they would no longer fall into the 40+ BMI and even if they did, the insurance company would say "well, you are doing just fine without the surgery so we won't fund it." I would agree with this reasoning except for the fact that the majority of people who lose the weight through such diets will just gain it back. My biggest regret is that I didn't know about the surgery or get it as I was losing the 125 lbs on the liquid fast I was on 3 years ago. It's one thing to lose 100+ lbs once. But this will be the 3rd time I am now losing the same 100+ lbs (add in 3 or 4 other times I lost 40+ lbs), and you can imagine the drain this has caused on my body/health, skin/muscles, and mind/self esteem.


~~~~~~6/10/03 Tuesday, 5:00 PM - Weight 332 lbs
It is so so hard figuring out what is "satisfied" and knowing when to stop eating. Sometimes I can eat quite a bit (7 oz of food) with no problem at all. Other times, 2 small bites are enough and if I have a 3rd I get sick. Taking today as an example, I had an HMR shake around 11am, and then about 5 shrimp cocktail at about 1:30 pm. I then went to the gym to go swimming (drinking Propel the regularly) and when I got out of the pool, I felt faint (assuming because I didn't have all too much to eat and as quick as I was drinking, I was probably losing water too. I just got home 1/2 hour ago and heated up some chicken and pinto beans (I think they are pinto at least) from El Pollo Loco, 2 SMALL bites of chicken and 2 beans later got sick. I am so so hungry and am having left over Lean Cuisine Mac and Cheese (about 3 oz) now which seems to be settling my stomach and is going down ok. Rg the frequent vomiting, is it similar to pre-op where a lot of damage can be done? Or perhaps it isn't as bad because just food and no bile is coming up? Either way, it certainly is not pleasant. And I am not getting enough in me. So far, I've had a mere 250 calories, 26 grams of protein, and 28 carbs, and 2 grams of fat the entire day (including the mac and cheese and it's already 5pm. I do have a call into my surgeon's nurse and am hoping she'll call me back by the end of the day.


~~~~~~6/12/03 Thursday, 10:30 PM - Weight approx 330 lbs
I FINALLY can weigh on a regular digital scale! Yea! So I went out and got a new one :) And it is accurate and reliable! No more having to go to the surgeon's every week or so!

Spoke with my surgeon this morning and looks like I will be going in for a barium swallow test Monday at 9 AM. A little scared but trying to remind myself that I will survive this just as others have.

Well, I finally gave in tonight and tried the Proteinex (liquid protein) that I've been getting up the nerve to try for over a week now. All I can say is GROSS!!!! I heard it was bad but there is absolutely no description to describe just how bad it is!!! I will have nightmares over it tonight! LOL It has the color and texture of thick honey but the taste? There is absolutely NO way to describe how nasty it is. I had my husband try it first and he grimaced but swallowed his tablespoon of it. I think he was just trying to be supportive and I didn't mind him being the guinea pig to it LOL. Then came my turn. I wasn't quite so strong and wound up spitting it up and trying to wash out the aftertaste with LOTS of water. The water did little to help get out the taste, and even now, half hour later, I feel nauseous and sick to my stomach. I will NEVER try that again. I don't care if it might help to prevent hair loss or not! I'd rather be bald than have to drink 2 TBSP of that per day! And when all is said and done, 2 TBSP equals only 15 grams of protein which I can easily do with an HMR shake which is more than tolerable and actually quite good with the exception that it's a bit on the sweet side. Until they come out with a doable capsule form, do yourself a favor and get the protein through real foods or more palatable protein shakes/bars.

Anyway, just thought I'd share my "review"!


~~~~~~6/13/03 Friday, 4:30pm - Weight approx 330 lbs
It's now been 6 weeks since surgery :) The hunger that I was feeling my first few weeks out is pretty much gone. Sometimes I have a really hard time getting anything down, in fact. There are other times though that I have no problem at all getting down 6 or 7 oz in one meal. It really varies as to what I am eating (such as when I am eating softer foods) and also when (nighttime is easier to eat for some reason). Lately, I've been noticing that I am not really in the mood to eat though, and I have to remind myself to. If anything, I am craving Diet Snapple, Propel Water, Crystal Light, and hot tea more than the food... One thing I need to be careful of is not getting enough calories in as the past few days, I've only been eating/drinking about 400 calories per day.


~~~~~~6/17/03 Tuesday, 9:30pm - Weight 327 lbs
Saturday was Disneyland and Club 33, and Alan (hubby) and I had a great time. Wound up being able to eat some Filet Mignon to my surprise (and had no problem keeping it down). Yesterday I went for the barium swallow test - nasty stuff I tell you! But I survived and outside of the taste and fighting a strong reflex to gag, it didn't hurt at all. I am still waiting to hear back from my surgeon (or the program nurse) rg the results. I am still having trouble eating off and on, and haven't really even tried getting the Trinsicon in the past couple of days as a result. I am concerned that I am not getting in my required vitamins.

On a positive note, I was able to eat a bit today and was able to get in 80 grams of protein for the first time since surgery meeting the required 60 to 70 grams per day. My calories were also much higher than they've been - about 650 today.

I am also happy that I've been able to update my profile to include some pictures of my artwork and kitties :). Thanks again to Vicki who did a wonderful job in getting all the colors and backgrounds up :) I look forward to eventually putting up more before and after photos too :)


~~~~~~6/21/03 Saturday, 12:00 pm - Weight 325 lbs
Well, this week went pretty fast, and the scale came to a halt again for a few days. Then this morning, it began moving again. I am now down 42 lbs and am happy about this although I do wish it were more. This is how
much I could have expected to lose by just dieting alone. Then again, I know that having had the surgery will help me keep the weight off which is what is most important.

The results from the barium swallow test came back normal - no stricture which I assumed was the case as most of the time I can eat a bit (up to 6/7 oz of harder to digest food at a time). I also found that by drinking hot tea, I can get the Trinsicon down. It is still not comfortable swallowing it as it feels "stuck" inside, but with the tea, I am not vomitting it back up.

I'm still having a hard time getting all my protein in even though I am eating almost only high protein foods. Here's some of my better "finds" for high protein foods:

- Jennie-0 Shredded Turkey in BBQ Sauce
- Albacore Tuna (canned) with Kraft non-fat mayo
- Shrimp (purchased at Costco in the frozen foods section) (I have it
boiled or steamed)
- Garlic Butter Cod Filets (also purchased at Costco in the frozen foods
section) - high in protein and low fat, no carbs
- Chicken Parmesian (grilled or steamed chicken breast with a little bit
of pasta sauce and low-fat mozzarella cheese)
- Lean Cuisine Salisbury Steak with Macaroni and Cheese (I eat mostly
just the meat portion and the little bit of the mac and cheese is a
wonderful treat)
- Life-time fat-free cheeses (their mozzarrella is wonderful)

As another wonderful find, I purchased a few Tupperware Children's Divided Dishes. There are 3 sections to the dish and the larger is 1 cup and the others are 1/2 cup each. I really like these as they allow me to
measure what I've eaten, aren't so big that they feel "threatening", aren't so small that they scream deprivation, and allow me to heat up the food in the microwave and then store whatever I didn't eat in the fridge. I am finding that whatever I put it them lasts about 3 to 4 meals.

Oh, and of course, I can't forget to mention that I am doing well on getting my swimming routine back. I've been to the gym 2 times this week to go swimming and it feels great to be going :)

PLUNGE

fingers strike liquid
hands plunge grab
pull her forward as
legs feet kick
cooperate propel
her to freedom

(c) 6/25/03, Caroline Ann Martin


~~~~~~6/27/03 Friday, 11:00 pm - Weight 322 lbs
Well, it's been 8 weeks today since surgery and I'm down 45 lbs (the first 23 lbs happened in the first 2 weeks so I've only lost 22 lbs in the last 6 weeks). I really thought (and hoped) I would be losing a little faster but I guess not. I've also had one 2 1/2 week and two 5 or 6 day plateaus already. During weeks that I am losing, I am losing between 2 to 5 lbs per week).

I am not sure what is going on - perhaps I'm not eating enough (less than 500 calories per day), eating too many carbs per day (about 50 to 60 per day), not enough protein (40 to 55 grams is what I've been able to manage per day although there have been a couple days where I met the 60 to 70 grams requirement) or not enough water (averaging about 50 oz per day). Or perhaps my 2 to 3 days per week swimming for an hour + 20 minutes walking each time isn't enough  Any ideas how to really get this moving along a little faster?

Or perhaps this isn't too bad, and I am just comparing myself to others too much? So scared that I won't be able to lose (and keep off) the 220 lbs that I need to...


2 MONTHS POST-OP, JULY 2003
 

~~~~~~7/2/03 Wednesday, 6:00 pm - Weight 318 lbs
Well, I went to the Coastal Center for Obesity today and the doctor I saw (Dr. Sharp) says that the intermittent pain I have been feeling in my upper right side for the past couple of days is, indeed, in my gallbladder/liver area, and while it might just be constipation, she ordered an abdominal ultrasound along with bloodwork (liver panel). I did the blood work today and then go again at 9 am tomorrow morning for the ultrasound. I sure am hoping it's just constipation afterall. I asked her about Actigall, which is used to prevent gallstones, and she said that "unless gallstones run in the family, it is probably not necessary." Unless there are side effects to the med, though, I think I am going to ask for it to be prescribed for me anyway.

It is officially 2 months today since surgery, and while I am still waiting on feeling so energetic like others have reported, I am a lot more active than I was prior to surgery. I suspect that the simple fact that I have SO much to lose accounts for why I am not feeling tremendously different. I am enjoying going swimming 2 to 3 times per week, and am preparing myself to start a daily walking program. There is a really nice path right across the street from where I live and this is a great opportunity that I want to take advantage of.

According to my doctor, my weight loss is going great thus far although I feel as though I should have lost more. Then again, if I continue to lose 20 lbs every month for awhile, I will have lost 120 lbs in the first 6 months and 240 by the end of the first year. And really, as long as the weight keeps coming off, no matter how fast or slow, and that I am able to maintain what I lose, I will be happy with my progress :)


~~~~~~7/3/03 Thursday, 5:30 pm - Weight 318 lbs
Well, my blood work/liver panel came back normal. Now I just need to wait to find out the results of the ultrasound I had today. So perhaps the pain I've been getting is just constipation afterall...

I found a BUNCH of beautiful photos of butterflies on the web today and am in the process of editing them for size. Given that butterflies could be seen as symbolic for change and growth, I will be listing a new butterfly photo every day which can be seen on my GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup's website at GastricBypass-PostOp Yahoo!Group.

I hope everyone will visit daily to see the latest butterfly! You can also visit the PostOp group's "photos" section and then click on the "Yahoo" folder to see all the butterflies that have been seen on the home page to date!

If you are not already a member of the group, please feel free to join. If you are a member, and you have a butterfly photo that you'd like to see on the homepage, please feel free to email it to me!


~~~~~~7/4/03 Friday, 3:30 pm - Weight 316 lbs
Well, I didn't think my weight loss thus far was noticeable (neither did my hubby who when asked if I looked like I was loosing weight said, "Your face looks thinner!" LOL). But I had him take some new photos of me, and while I still have a LONG way to go, there is a bit of a difference in the new photos and the photos taken right before my surgery. I included them below for you to see :)

The weight is also coming off again and FAST. I have been averaging a lb to 2 lbs per day for the past few days. Sure hope this continues for awhile and doesn't taper off like it has a few times already.


~~~~~~7/5/03 Saturday, 2:00 pm - Weight 314 lbs
Gosh, I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming! The FAST weight loss is still happening, and I've lost 2 lbs since yesterday! I am not really doing much different with the exception of trying to cut out anything with aspartame in it, drinking more decaffeinated tea and coffee (as it allows me to get and keep the Trinsicon down), and increasing my protein to 60 to 70 (from 40 to 50) while continuing to keep total carbs below 40 per day. Oh, and I have happily upped my swimming to 3 to 4 days per week :) Sure hope this FAST weight loss continues!


~~~~~~7/6/03 Sunday, 10:20 pm - Weight 314 lbs
I made it to the gym to go swimming 3 out of the past 4 days and am feeling wonderful :)   It's 10:30pm here and I just gave in to my head hunger and had the remaining steamed chicken in garlic sauce that I started eating yesterday following the gym. Frustrated with myself, yet at the same time, I am not going to be too hard on myself, as this will serve no purpose other than making it harder for me to "jump back on the wagon". Just praying that I don't start plateauing again. Although is a simple late night snack really what causes me to stop losing weight for a few days? Perhaps this is just a normal part of the weight loss process?


~~~~~~7/7/03 Monday, 2:30 pm - Weight 313 lbs
Many people have been emailing me to say how great I am looking :) Not sure if I look wonderful yet, but I am getting there a little more every day :) It's hasn't been an easy ride, but it is so true when they say that the surgery acts as a tool - not an easy tool but definitely an effective one :) While I am able to eat more or less all of the foods I want, I am finding that it is no longer just willpower that is keeping me on the right path, and in my surgeon's words, my new anatomy is "forcing" dietary compliance. What is of most interest to me (especially in light of my dealing with severe dissociation), I am more "in touch" with my body now more than ever, and I can actually feel hunger and fullness knowing when I need to eat something (and when it is time to stop). I never had this before - rather it was just eat and eat until there was no longer any food left. Before the surgery, I was always eating to feel full and thus satisfied, neither which ever really happened. But since surgery, most of the time I've been full before I am satisfied (what an odd concept). And most recently, I am starting to feel satisfied at the same time I am just starting to get full (which is
pretty fast - only about 1/4 cup of food). For the first time in my life, I am really beginning to feel hopeful that I can finally have control around food (instead of it controlling me), and I feel like I just might be able to maintain the weight I lose :) I definitely have no regrets, other than wishing I hadn't waited so long to find out/follow through about WLS.


~~~~~~7/11/03 Friday, 12:00 am - Weight 310 lbs
I was asked in one of the YahooGroups about the issue of my not feeling full early out and what it feels like now. To explain a little better, what I've learned is that the "full" feeling is different as a post-op. "Full" before surgery meant feeling "stuffed", having a full belly which would "pop" if I ate any more, feeling calmed and tired, and most of all feeling satisfied and not wanting anymore food. That fullness was something I sought but rarely achieved no matter how much food I put in my body as a pre-op.

"Full" now means something totally different. And honestly, it is something I try to avoid. For me, "full" as a post-op means physically feeling the food in my throat (like a tightness) and a heavy feeling in my chest (sometimes I feel pain where my pouch is). It can come on very fast, and if I am not carefully paying attention to my body and eat that extra bite (no matter how tiny), I start feeling nauseous, dizzy, clammy, and most often wind up running to the bathroom to involuntarily vomit.

The new "full" does not always equal satisfaction nor do I experience that calm feeling I used to get from overeating. In fact, most often, my head is still saying "but I want more!" But my body is saying "hell no!" LOL So I am learning that I really have to "listen" to what my body is telling me and respect what it is saying. I've found that by slowing down and taking VERY small bites and chewing until the food is practically pureed in my mouth, I am able to "buy time" in figuring out when I need to stop.

While each person's experience is a little different, I have found that what works for me is that once I feel the tightness (like a ball) in my throat, I need to stop. And if I happen to be chewing some food when that feeling comes on, I spit the food out (ewwwwww, I know - but otherwise I will get sick). Not only has the surgery forced dietary compliance on me, it has also made it necessary that I be fully present and "in my body" when eating... And this is a good thing :)

As a side, I am SUPER self-conscious about going in the pool when others are around, but I am trying not to let that stop me. As an embarrassing story though, I had been dealing with constipation SOOOOO bad, and yesterday, while at the pool, all of a sudden I have to go (and bad!). Well, there were 2 men swimming in the other lanes so I edged my way over to the pool steps and waited until both guys were swimming away from my direction so they wouldn't see my fat body getting out of the pool. LOL And of course, just for fun's sake, one of the guys decided to take a break to clean his goggles right in front of me! I could have just died! I was hurting SOOOOO bad and really needed to RUN to the bathroom, but I was held paralyzed there praying that he just put on his darn goggles again and swim so that I could get out of the pool. Pathetic huh? Perhaps I need not to worry so much about what others think? LOL


~~~~~~7/13/03 Sunday, 12:00 pm - Weight 312 lbs
Well, "that time of the month" came Friday and all I can say is I am hurting SOOOOO bad! It seems like my periods are reverting back to how bad they were when I was a teenager. Ow! And there is definitely something to my weight loss coming to a halt every time I start my period. This is the third month that this is happening. In fact, I even GAINED 2 lbs since Friday (although I suspect it has more to do with water retention than fat/muscle changes). Wishing there was a way around this!

I am proud of myself, though... Even with all the cramps and also having severe constipation (which I am beginning to think is a normal part of the process for post-ops), I went swimming yesterday :) It feels so good to be in the water - as though I am "free", and it allows me a temporary escape from everyday life. I haven't been swimming in our condo's pool (which is nice because it is outside), but rather the pool at LA Fitness which is only 1/4 of a mile from where my hubby and I live. The pool is a 25 yard pool with 3 lap lanes which allows me to get in some serious laps. I even picked up the book "Total Immersion" by Terry Laughlin to remind myself of stroke technique. My upper body is fine when it comes to my stroke, but my lower body is a different story. My hip roll is good, but I feel stuck doing a typical flutter kick which is draining me of energy and the ability to benefit fully from fitness swimming.

But I am proud of myself... Getting past feeling so self-conscious has been hard to say the least. I find myself trying to go during off hours and even then, when people are in the pool (especially men), I find myself waiting until they are swimming the direction away from where I put my towel and get into the pool for fear that they will see me and all of my fat. But who am I kidding? Most people where swim goggles and I am sure can see me no problem under water - jiggling and all... Gosh, I can't wait till I lose this weight and don't have to feel like the whole world is looking at me...

One challenge that I didn't expect is dealing with flashbacks while at the pool. Being that it was my grandfather who taught me all I know about swimming (he was a Masters swimmer who competed most of his life), I find myself wishing he was with me, holding one hand on my back and one hand on my belly, stabilizing me while teaching me proper stroke and leg kick technique. Yet, at the same time, there is some part of me that feels scared and paralyzed inside, especially when it comes time to get out of the pool and go into the showers. So many memories that come up, and it has been a struggle grounding myself.

But I am proud of myself... I've found some ways to console these scared parts of myself and have been able to "push" myself to go swimming despite the flashbacks - namely a lot of "self talk" but also use of strong smelling shampoos and body washes that help keep me grounded. I've discovered what I call the Loreal "Fish" line of products which is a whole line of shower products for kids. The shampoos, conditioners and body washes come in all different powerful fruity scents and best of all, they come in bottles that are in the shape of fish :) This really helps to console the younger parts of myself while allowing them to focus on the fun fish bottles/fruity smells as opposed to painful childhood memories.

So... Yes... I am proud of myself...


~~~~~~7/15/03 Tuesday, 4:30 pm - Weight 309 lbs
Well, I made it through my period and thank goodness my weight loss isn't coming to a complete halt again like it did the last two months. I am now down to 309 and must say that I am incredibly excited as I will soon be out of the 300's! This is a really important milestone for me as given that I have yo-yo'ed sooooo drastically prior to my having WLS, I have been feeling as though I have been "revisiting" my old "post-diet lower weights" if this makes any sense. It's as though my mind is saying "Big wup! You're down to 320, remember how many other times you lost enough to say you were 320?!"  But getting into the 200's I've only done twice on the way down, so I feel like I am really getting somewhere. Only 9 more lbs before I am finally out of the 300's, and this time it will be forever!

My yo-yo'ing started when I was about 235 lbs in my early 20's (14 years ago), and interestingly enough, this is the lowest I've ever been able to reach since then. So when I go under THAT weight, I will truly be celebrating. I look so forward to this day :)


~~~~~~7/19/03 Saturday, 1:30 am - Weight 308 lbs
Well, I should have trusted my thinking... Hubby and I went to the Irvine Spectrum tonight to go to Dave and Busters to play some games (I won a stuffed mouse :). On our walk from the parking lot to D&B, I decided to stop off at a coffee shop there and get a coffee drink.

I asked what sugar free options they had in terms of their specialty coffees and was directed to a frozen mocha blended drink (like Starbuck's Frappucino). Well, the poster said "No Sugar Added" and when I asked the girl at the counter what the ingredients were, she said it was "sugar free" and that the syrup/mix used was sweetened with Splenda. So I got the drink.

"It is way too good to be true," was my first thought. And I should have trusted this and should have stopped drinking it. But NO.... It was so good, and I guess I wanted to believe the staff person's explanation, so I ignored what my head was telling me.

So 30 minutes later while playing skeeball at D&B and 1/2 way through my coffee drink, that all too familiar feeling of nausea, cold sweats, heart racing, etc. started. At that point, I did stop drinking the coffee, and the sick feeling continued for about 2 hours. I was angry that the staff person had lead me wrong, yet I was more angry at myself for not trusting my intuition/knowledge to begin with. What was I thinking? I should have known better...

Anyway, the moral of my story is:
-- No sugar added does NOT equal sugar free. If something is no sugar added, find out just how much sugar is in it and don't assume it is low in sugar.
-- If something tastes "too good to be true", it probably is.
-- ALWAYS trust yourself and don't let your mind rationalize that "I can have this even though..."
 

~~~~~~7/22/03 Tuesday, 10:00 am - Weight 307 lbs
Well, I went to the dr yesterday, and I have a classic case of swimmer's ear. She put me on antibiotic/steroid drops that I have to use for the next 10 days, and I am not supposed to swim until the infection/swelling/pain is completely gone :( I am so frustrated about this because I have really been getting into swimming and feeling good about it, and I sure don't want to have to give it up for a week and a half!

I've also been losing REAL slow again and it's been very frustrating. I think that for me, a big part of this is that I haven't been eating enough. I am getting to the point that I am considering going back to only the HMR shakes for awhile and seeing if this can jump start my weight loss again.


~~~~~~7/25/03 Friday, 12:00 pm - Weight 306 lbs
Well, yesterday, I thought it was doing a lot better with my ear infection. So much that I was going to attempt going swimming (even though my doc said no swimming until it completely clears which should be 10 days). I didn't wind up going swimming though as I was working on eBay listings most of the day, and then last night, my ear started hurting more than ever, and what's worse is that I had a throbbing pain in my head and neck to go along with it. This morning I woke to my ear completely swollen shut (guess swimming is out, huh?) and in SO much pain. Fortunately the headache isn't there like it was last night, but the ear and area around it are hurting so bad. It actually hurts just to swallow! I have 2 appointments to go to today, one being therapy, and I am going to have to call and cancel both. I am not in a place to do much today. So so frustrating... Keep me in your prayers that this resolves soon!


3 MONTHS POST-OP, AUGUST 2003


~~~~~~8/01/03 Friday, 10:00 pm - Weight 304 lbs
Well, I had a stent put into my left ear so that the medication could enter the ear canal and had it taken out Tuesday when the ear was better. I went swimming as well on Tuesday which felt great :) But I think the infection is starting up again as the ear is again hurting :(  I am hanging in and keeping beyond busy with all sorts of work being done and needing to be done with my and my hubby's condo. Eating-wise, I am still having a very hard time getting in enough calories (and this week, protein), and yet again, I've only lost 2 lbs during the week. This is the 4th week in a row that I lost only 2 lbs... Frustrating to say the least! However, given that I have 130 lbs more to lose, as long as I keep losing at least 2 lbs per week, I could be to goal in about 1 1/4 years. I could live with that :) Oh, and tomorrow makes 3 months since surgery, so I'll be updating my profile with my latest photos :)


~~~~~~8/03/03 Sunday, 11:30 pm - Weight 304 lbs
I updated my photos to show me at 3 months post-op :) What a difference so far! But still a LONG way to go! And with the weight coming off SOOOOO slow lately, it feels like I will never get where I need to be. Being patient has been very hard, and perhaps if I knew that eventually the weight loss would start picking up again, I'd be ok... But for the last 4 weeks, I've only been losing 2 lbs per week. And I still can't figure what I am doing wrong. I've been trying to get my calorie, water and protein intake up while keeping my carb and fat intake low, but apparently, it isn't enough... Praying that the weight will start coming off a little faster... Many people in my inperson support group have mentioned that I need to up my calorie intake, and I plan to speak with my surgeon rg this. Also, my ear infection is completely gone, I think, so I also plan on getting back to my swimming routine come this Tuesday following my 3 month follow-up appt with my surgeon.

*** NOTE: I LOST ALL OF MY PROFILE FROM HERE UNTIL SEPT 24th - I WILL
TRY TO RECREATE THE PAGE BELOW...


~~~~~~8/06/03 Wednesday, 11:30 pm - Weight 299.5 lbs
I was so concerned I was losing weight slowly (40 lbs from 1 1/2 weeks post op to 3 months post-op), and then tonight, my scale showed that I've lost 4 lbs just since Sunday! Well, the BEST part of this is that not only is the speed of my weight loss picking up again, but I am now officially in the 200's AND my BMI is less than 50! (started out with 61+ BMI) So I am no longer super obese! Now I'm "just" morbidly obese :) I've been adding lots of photos to my profile page documenting my progress thus far, and I can see such an incredible difference. It's harder for me to see it when looking in the mirror, so the photos help tremendously :) Anyway, I ramble! LOL But I am also relieved to find out that just because my weight loss has been slowing down does not mean that it will continue to slow even more without ever picking up... And I expect that it will slow again especially after my period starts, but perhaps this time around, I won't have to worry so much. I guess it's all just part of the process :)


~~~~~~8/18/03 Monday, 11:30 pm - Weight 299.5 lbs
Well, I am back in CA as of tonight (from my visit to NY where I grew up and went to grad school). This week has been a hard one. My hubby's best friend, Joe, was killed in a car crash on Friday afternoon, and it's definitely taking it's toll on me (and hubby) emotionally. Then there's the house in PA, eBay sales, cleaning, my dad coming to visit this weekend, and a plumber coming tomorrow to add to it all... I thought I'd lost weight while in NY the past week, but the scale was 296 last Monday and now says 299.5. I am hoping that tomorrow morning it will say different - perhaps it's all the water I am retaining - my ankles are pretty swollen right now. But what a disappointment... Well, gonna curl up in bed now, but just wanted to check in...


~~~~~~8/19/03 Tuesday, 11:00 am - Weight 298 lbs
This morning the ankle swelling is down and the scale's now saying 298. Just needing to keep my focus on doing the right things. While I ate healthy throughout my trip to NY, I did eat more frequently than normal and was allowing myself fruits and vegetables and regular (not non-fat) cheese including 1/2 a calzone (which tasted awesome and was able to be kept down) but not sure if it was the healthiest decision). I don't know what my calorie intake was each day as I wasn't keeping track of it, but it was definitely more than the 500 cals per day that I was managing before. The thing that scares me is how easy it was to eat on 2 or 3 of the days. I was able to eat much more than I thought I should be able to.... For example, Saturday, after 1/4 C eggbeaters and slice of non-fat cheese for breakfast, for dinner I had: (small slice of quesadilla, 2 pieces munster cheese, 4 grilled teriyaki shrimp, 3/4 to 1 oz teriyaki steak, small bite of teriyaki chicken breast, and 3 or 4 slices of zucchini/summer squash. And then for dessert, a slice of sugar free angel food cake with strawberries and vanilla yogurt on it for dessert. And I could have continued to eat, I think. I didn't though as I knew I just had to stop... It scares me that I can eat this much only 3 months out so easily...


~~~~~~8/20/03 Wednesday, 4:30 pm - Weight 297.5 lbs
It's definately been a hard week. This past Friday, while I was in NY, my sweetie called to tell me that one of his best friends and someone very close to us both, was killed in a car accident Friday afternoon. Since then, I have been having a really hard time coping with the dissociation. Tomorrow is a special viewing for family and very close
friends, and Friday is the "regular viewing". Then Saturday, there will be a short service followed by the funeral. A very sad time indeed... The photo above is of Alan and me with Joe and Holly at our wedding reception in August 1997.

My dad is coming to visit this Friday and will be staying the weekend, and even though I so look forward to his visit, this puts more on my to do list. I've also been taking care of more of the paperwork and application for a home equity loan so rg Alan's mom's house in PA all this week. I've been so exhausted by it all that would you believe I
fell back asleep this morning to only wake at about 2pm? Guess my head is needing the rest.

Rg the weight gain since last Monday, I am hoping it's just water. So many people say don't weigh everyday, but this is the reason why I prefer to - because when one weighs daily, you can "see" the patterns in fluctuations and not get all "freaked out" by minor gains. But it does worry me that I've been able to eat more lately. I am concerned that
this will just keep increasing until I am able to really eat again - enough to "do damage" in terms of my weight. While I'm down 70 lbs in 3 1/2 months, I still have 150 to 160 more lbs to lose. I so hope I will be able to get the weight off AND keep it off this time. And it's frightening that I won't be able to given that I've failed at controlling my weight so many times before...


~~~~~~8/21/03 Thursday, 9:30 am - Weight 295.5 lbs
I'm happy to say that my weight is going in a downward direction again! 295.5 as of this morning :) Guess it was primarily fluid retention, and tomorrow I will do my measurements to see if there's been any difference from 2 weeks ago (as my weight is now back to what it was 1 1/2 weeks ago).

Well, today is going to be a busy day! I just got back from picking up my car which had all sorts of repairs to it yesterday, and an early morning swim at my gym's pool. The viewing for Joe is tonight and tomorrow night, and Alan will be going tonight. I will be staying home to continue my listings on eBay and to clean in preparation of my Dad's
visit tomorrow and for the weekend.

I also need to follow up with phone calls rg the house in PA (we've finally set up a home equity loan so that the additional restorations outside of the damage from the fire can be made to the house). I am really looking forward to living in the house once it's all fixed up :)

And most important, I need to make some phone calls to my surgeon's office and the billing dept. Prior to my surgery, I was told several times that the ONLY cost to me would be for my supplements and vitamins and that my Medicare would be accepted as payment in full for the entire surgery. Well, since then, I'm getting all sorts of bills from the hospital, anesthesiologist, assistant surgeon, etc. I am getting really stressed about this, and need to sort it all out before it gets even more overwhelming...

I'm eating some shrimp right now and my cats are going bonkers... Why is it that they are only so affectionate when I am eating something they want? LOL


~~~~~~8/25/03 Monday, 2:30 pm - Weight 294 lbs
Well, the funeral went ok on Saturday. It was a very hard day for both my hubby and I, but we did get through it. I sang "The Rose" at the burial, and the family reported that it helped to ease their pain a little. Such a sad situation, and we will miss our friend dearly...

On a positive and humerous note, I went to a baby shower yesterday for another close friend, and I wore a babydoll type blouse (looks sort of like a dress) that I wore leggings with. I was asked by two different people how many months pregnant I was. LOL. Now, in the past, as I was gaining the weight, I was asked this a lot, and even got the "but you have such a thin face!" response as few times. It always irked me. But yesterday, this made me smile.... Why? Because I guess it wasn't obvious that I was "just fat" LOL. 73 lbs ago, it would have been assumed that I
WAS "just super fat". But not anymore - what a milestone :)
 

~~~~~~8/25/03 Monday, 10:30 pm - Weight 294 lbs
Interesting that I'd come across a question today rg fear of not losing enough in the OH message boards... This was my response: I am one week shy of 4 months post-op and have lost exactly 75 lbs to date. I started out at 367 with a BMI of 61+ and am currently 294 with a BMI of 48.9. While I feel 75 lbs is terrific and is 1/3 of the weight I need to lose, I AM scared because I still have over 150 lbs to lose and for the last 2 months, I've only been losing about 2 lbs per week on average. AND I've been able to eat more and more and the physical and head hunger has increased greatly. As someone mentioned below, the issue isn't a race against others, but yes, it DOES feel like a race against time and one's self. Assuming I can continue at 2 lbs a week (10 lbs/month), I will have lost 155 lbs after the first year. Which would be fabulous... Yes.... BUT, I'd still have 90 lbs to go... And the fact is is that my weight loss IS slowing down considerably even at only less than 4 months post-op... So yes, I do understand your concerns...


~~~~~~8/26/03 Tuesday, 10:30 am - Weight 293 lbs
Please keep me and my hubby, Alan, in your prayers. As I mentioned in
earlier posts, one of Alan's best friends was killed in a car accident
the Friday before last. All Thursday, Friday and Saturday was spent at
the viewings and funeral. I just got a call from my hubby saying that
the impounded car that Joe was driving and k^lled in can only be kept by
the police until tomorrow, and that Alan has left work early to go down
to the police station to go through the car for any last items and to
make arrangements for it to be removed from the station (and probably
wrecked is my guess). He's on his way home to pick me up and take me
with him. I need to be there to support him, but I am also terrified of
seeing the car as it is just going to bring home how real this situation
is. I am really scared inside about it as it was bad enough to see the
photo on front page news of the car....

Food-wise, I am hanging in and fighting the temptation to give in to
eating for emotional reasons...


~~~~~~8/28/03 Thursday, 5:00 pm - Weight 290 lbs
I am so sorry I haven't been around much the past 2 weeks. Alan and I
are pulling through this difficult time and are beginning to see the
light at the end of the tunnel now. Thank you to everyone who kept us
(and Joe's family) in your thoughts and prayers. They really helped us
to pull through...

Weight-wise, I am doing great. I am back to losing a lb a day and lost
the excess water weight I'd gained while in NY plus an additional 6 lbs
:) This Tuesday will mark 4 months since my surgery and so far I am down
77 lbs, my BMI has dropped from 61.1 to 48.3, and I've lost 65 inches
(not including the change in my hands/fingers). I lost, on average, 20
lbs per month the first two months and 15 lbs per month the last two
months.

It is not quite as fast as I'd hoped, yet it is better than what I'd
expected, especially given the difficulty I had the first 3 weeks
post-op. I am feeling pretty good physically, and while I still have a
LONG way to go, I am beginning to see and feel the many differences - so
much that I understand what people are talking about when they say they
no longer recognize themselves in the mirror and feel heavier than they
are. Just last night, while looking at my photos from NY, I had to ask
my hubby if I really looked like I did in the photos or if the photos
just made me look thinner. He confirmed that the photos show the "real"
me although, honestly, I think that he must have been being nice as
surely, I am much heavier than how I looked in the photos.

I spent a bit of time last night and today updating my ObesityHelp.com
profile. I added music, photos, a logo/link to my GastricBypass-PostOp
Yahoo!Group and even added a guestbook :) I so hope everyone will visit
to check out my newest photos as well as post comments to my guestbook.


4 MONTHS POST-OP, SEPTEMBER 2003


~~~~~~9/04/03 Thursday, 3:30 pm - Weight 287
I've been reading the "Oprah" thread with interest. I am watching the
show now, and what I am noticing is that there is no mention of how long
these people have maintained their weight loss. Sure, I lost 125 lbs
over the course of 9 months, 80 lbs over 6 months, 50 lbs over 2 months,
etc. but that doesn't mean that I maintained any one of those losses. It
is bothersome to keep hearing Oprah say "so and so lost ___ lbs WITHOUT
SURGERY" or "so and so worked HARD to lose the weight". Honestly, it was
easier to lose the 125 lbs on a liquid fast that it was to make the
decision, take the risk, etc. for WLS plus all of the hard work one has
to do after WLS.

What I think is missed in the Oprah show is that the ONLY difference
between losing weight with or without surgery is that with surgery, it
is no longer just willpower keeping one on the right track. With
surgery, you are forced to listen to your body's needs. And even with
WLS, one still has to make healthy choices, fight cravings, not eat at
the wrong times, not snack, exercise, etc. etc. etc... There's this
misnomer that fat people are fat because they have no willpower.
Speaking for myself, this doesn't apply. How many people could do a
liquid fast (5 protein shakes a day + Crystal Light only) for 9 straight
months? But even with that sort of willpower, I still gained all the
weight back - still got up to 370 lbs... No, it's not just willpower and
hard work... And no, WLS, is NOT the easy way out... In my case, it was
the ONLY way out... :)


~~~~~~9/09/03 Tuesday, 10:00 am - Weight 284
Hi Everyone! Last night at my inperson support group meeting, the CEO
and a Dr. from Bariatric Advantage presented about vitamin supplements
at the group. It was a TERRIFIC presentation packed full of information.
I told the CEO how much I liked the Bariatric Advantage vitamins and how
I am also sharing information about them with the groups, and he was so
so kind in that as he was leaving, he gave me a whole binder (and
CD-ROM) packed full of articles and literature on vitamins/supplements.
Needless to say, I hope to go through the binder/CD-ROM in the next
couple of weeks and plan to share what I learn within the
GastricBypass-PostOp Yahoo!Group :) Please keep an eye on the "Files"
section in the group for all sorts of info vitamin supplements related.

One thing the Dr. mentioned that was VERY interesting to me is that for
a reason yet unknown, calcium is highly positively correlated to weight
loss in bariatric patients - with higher levels of calcium, weight loss
is also higher. Also, she mentioned that iron is negatively related to
hair loss with less iron equalling greater amounts of hair loss. Going
back to the calcium issue, I wonder if this is the basis for some
reports that drinking carbonated drinks slows down weight loss... It is
well known that carbonation robs calcium from the body, so perhaps this
is why weight loss would be less in those who drink (even diet)
carbonated drinks?

The Dr. also spent some time talking about calcium carbonate and coral
calcium. She reiterated the well know fact that calcium carbonate
requires an acidic environment to be absorbed (something that bariatric
patients no longer have as the acid in produced in the lower (old)
stomach and not in the pouch). Thus, she stressed the importance of
calcium citrate. As for coral calcium, not only is it calcium carbonate,
but she expressed great concern about there being a number of toxins in
it. She said that if you ARE going to have calcium carbonate, have Tums
because at least this is a purified carbonate unlike the coral calcium,
but she emphazised the need for the bariatric patient to be taking
calcium citrate.

Several samples were passed out in the group, and I was happy about this
because even though I order from Bariatric Advantage all the time now
and am more than familiar with their products, I got an extra "treat"
while in my meeting LOL They really are tasty :)


~~~~~~9/11/03 Thursday, 10:00 am - Weight 283
Such a hard day this is... I'll be keeping the television and radio
off... Having grown up in New York and later living and working in NYC
not even a mile from the WTC, way too many emotions are being stirred
inside. The photo above was taken from atop the observatory deck on the
one Tower back in 1992 -soon after I moved back to NY to attend New York
University for my Masters Degree. While attending NYU, I used to spend
an inordinate amount of time there, sitting on one of the North facing
white concrete benches while studying, reading, writing, etc.

SEPTEMBER 11, 2001

Looming you stood
Shadowing what was my home
Holding memories
Keenly at your head.

But terror came
Unsuspecting you were struck
Stealing many lives
You fell to your knees.

And powerless
Fearful I crumble myself
Cowering inward
And grieve.

© 9/13/01, Caroline A. Martin


~~~~~~9/12/03 Friday, 10:00 am - Weight 283
In one of my YahooGroups, someone brought up the issue of those who were
abused as children needing to let go of the past and move on. After
giving it some thought, I am deciding to share a little of my story and
response here. Please read the next entry only if in a safe place. There
is general descriptions of ab^se (not detailed). I know that reading
others' stories, like Teann's and Brenda Williams here on
ObesityHelp.com helped me to move forward with WLS, so perhaps by
sharing a little bit more of this side of me, someone may be helped.

...For me, it was my grandfather's sexually abusing my mom when she was
a kid (suspected) and then starting to do the same to me when I was
about 4 years old. When I was around 5 or 6, my mom started having
mental breakdowns and was eventually hospitalized and given MANY shock
treatments - the type they used to do as shown in "one flew over the
cuckoo's nest". And of course, where did I go to while she was in the
hospitals and not able to care for me but back to my grandparent's house
where the abuse continued until I was about 11 years old. My father, who
had a very bad temper, took out his frustrations on me physically and he
and his mom and dad (where I also stayed a lot) were very much
perfectionists and very stoic, so the rule was that despite all I was
going through as a kid, I had to "stuff" all the feelings, memories,
etc. I had to be a good little girl who never talked about what was
going on, and showed on the outside that all was ok.

Needless to say, dissociation (food was one way to dissociate as I got
older) was my main coping mechanism. I was never heavy as a kid, but
when I turned 18 1/2 and moved out of my parents' house, I started
gaining weight and fast. Since then it has been major yo-yo dieting
(lost 30, 60, 80, 125, 50 lbs in different diet attempts just to gain it
all back just as fast).

While the dissociation certainly served it's purpose allowing me to get
a good education (I have my MA in Deafness Rehab from NYU) and career,
it definately took it's toll on me in the long run.

For the majority of my life, I had no memory (just suspicions) of the
sexual abuse. I had night terrors though and would often find myself
waking like a child screaming at what was happening. It was pretty
scary. Self injury was also a part of it all since I was a VERY young
child... Embarrassed to admit this, but it is the truth...

In September 2000, after losing 125 lbs in less than 9 months, all of
the memories started coming forward full force (because I wasn't using
food to suppress them). The SI (self injury) got WAY out of hand (traded
in one thing for another) and when I tried getting control over that, I
started binging again. And since I was so scared of gaining all the
weight back, purging soon followed. In October 2000, I wound up
admitting myself to an inpatient unit that deals specifically with abuse
survivors (many who also dissociate) and then things started to really
"click". Everything started making sense then...

Since then, I have been doing a lot of work at healing from my past and
having this surgery and finally dealing with my weight and food issues
is all part of the equation...

They say that "the past is the past" and that we need to "live for
today", and I do agree with this, but I have also learned that one can't
just stuff the past or avoid it. Rather, one has to work through it.
Definitely not an easy task, but it can be done...

EMOTION THOUGHT CONNECTED

It was never your fault.
It is time to give up
your weapons against
yourself.

Frozen in time,
A vague, fragmented soul.
You lay deep within,
In pain, abandoned.

Little one, do not be shamed.
Although she went away,
Mommy has always loved you.

Now you curl, fetal position,
Protecting you from daddy's rage.
Still the hurt, in your heart,
Fear not, you will soon stand tall.

The earth shakes, now you topple.
But with courage, self-nurturing,
You can grow stable.

And in loving yourself,
And parenting yourself...

May you find your:

Swayed back straightened.
Foggy mind cleared.
Slumped head raised.
Scarred skin smoothed.
Vague feet grounded.
Divided soul wholed.
Emotion thought connected.

(c) October 2000, Caroline A. Martin


~~~~~~9/15/03 - Monday 12:00 pm - Weight 283 lbs
Hi everyone! I will doing the San Diego Walk From Obesity this Saturday,
the 20th at 8:30 am. The 5K (3 mile) walk is in Lake Murray Park in La
Mesa, CA. Please private email me if you are going to go as maybe we
could meet up and walk together. Perhaps we could have some breakfast
afterwards:)


~~~~~~9/20/03 - Saturday 5:00 pm - Weight 285 lbs
Here's some photos from the 5K! Alan, Krista, Pat C. & Stacie, thank you
so for making the walk bearable! The conversation kept my feet moving!!!
And yes, you read right! My weight actually increased by 2 lbs since the
walk (although I assume this is all water and will come off fast).


~~~~~~9/22/03 Monday, 3:00 pm - Weight 281
Not one of my best poems, but it describes quite well how I am feeling
about my weight loss so far...

HOPE

eighty-six pounds
the scale stays stagnant
two weeks of nothing
yet a lifetime of promise
hopes and dreams carried
onward with perseverence
like a flower she blossoms
a butterfly she soars
into tomorrow
filled with hope

(c) 9/22/03, Caroline Ann Martin


~~~~~~9/24/03 Wednesday, 10:45 am - Weight 280
I WOKE THIS MORNING TO FIND ALL OF THE HTML IN MY PROFILE MISSING FROM
8/3 TO TODAY. FORTUNATELY, I HAD MOST OF AUGUST'S WRITINGS BACKED UP,
BUT THE WHOLE MONTH OF SEPT. IS LOST. I WILL TRY TO RECREATE WHAT I CAN
ABOVE AND WILL PICK UP FROM HERE...

~~~~~~9/27/03 Saturday, 11:00 pm - Weight 279
Thank you to all who wrote me about my losing the last two months of my
profile entries, photos, etc. I was able to recover most of August's
entries, and fortunately I did cross post a couple of Sept's entries in
my GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup so I was able to recover these as
well. I was also able to put back in all of the photos. But I did lose a
tremendous amount of writing/entries from August 28th to this past Weds.

It feels like I lost some part of me when I lost the entries, but I am
reminding myself that I didn't, and the fact that I lost a whole month
of my journal doesn't negate all the work I've done this last month. I
am also trying to use it as a lesson for myself that sometimes we just
need to move onto the next day and "start where we left off" so that we
can move forward in our progress :)


~~~~~~For everyone who's asked me about where I order my yummy vitamins, you
can click on the above photo to go to www.bariatricadvantage.com. Should
you order, when asked who referred you, it would be great if you can put
in my Patient ID#: PT2942 :)

To order them, you need to register with Bariatric Advantage first (a
fast, painless process). When you order, you can get money off your
order by ordering over a certain amount in dollars. If I remember
correctly, if you order over $50 worth, you will get $10 or $20 off your
order. Plus, if you sign up for their refill program, you'll get an
additional $5.00 off.

My vitamins (all 4 - the chewable multi, chocolate calcium, B12 and
chewable iron) cost about $45 per month. Not bad considering how good
they are and how easy they are to get and keep down. I was doing less
expensive vitamins in the past, but because they were not very "doable"
(and I even kept vomitting up the capsules), I wasn't taking them so I
was putting my health in jeopardy. So $45 a month is totally worth it
for me :)

A great "side" of the Bariatric Advantage vitamins is that when
sucked on, they are as good as candy (not as sweet though which is
perfect for us post-ops). Often when I get a craving for something sweet
or some type of dessert, I just "snack" on one of my vitamins instead :)
Also, the sweetener they use is Splenda. All thier vitamins are
sugar-free, chelated (which makes them much easier to absorb), small in
size compared to regular chewables, and are formulated specifically with
the WLS post-op patient in mind :)

I TOTALLY recommend them, and nope, I don't work for Bariatric Advantage
and there's no commission in this for me LOL (although I'd love to work
for them as I truly believe in their product and it's a great company!).


~~~~~~Me and my thinning hair :( OK, there IS a downside to WLS! LOL Well,
better to be bald than fat I guess!!! But why can't it be the hair from
my legs? At least then I wouldn't have to shave! Or what about those
grey hairs that I am beginning to see on my head? LOL Fortunately, I
started out with a lot of hair so it isn't too noticeable yet. I am
hoping it doesn't get worse though. I've been using Nioxin shampoo and
scalp treatment for the last month and a half, and I can't really say if
it's helping or not. There's no way for me to know whether I'd be losing
more hair if I wasn't using it. Other long-term post-ops tell me that
what I think is thinning hair is actually regrowth, so perhaps this is a
good sign and that without the Nioxin, the thinning would be worse? I do
still lose a lot of hair though :( Hopefully I'll stop losing it soon
and that it will all grow back!


~~~~~~9/29/03 Monday, 11:30 pm - Weight 277
This Sunday, October 5th, I will be walking in the 2003 Children's
Hospital of Orange County (CHOC) Walk in the Park at Disneyland! By
walking 4 miles, I am hoping to raise money to support children's
healthcare. CHOC is a wonderful hospital that provides treatment for
many children with cancer and other terminal medical problems, providing
a lot of charity work in the community. This is truly a worthy cause.

If you are interested in joining me in the walk or sponsoring my walk,
please feel free to click on one of the above photos or visit
www.chocwalk.org! I so appreciate your support! I will be sure to tell
you how I did once I complete the walk!

As for how I am doing, I am doing great having lost 90 lbs as of a
little less than 5 months ago when I had gastric bypass surgery. I am
feeling better than I have in a long time, and while I still have a
way's to go in my weight loss, I am now over 1/3 of my way to my goal
weight :)


~~~~~~10/1/03 Wednesday, 7:00 am - Weight 276
I wrote the following in response to someone in my post-op group saying
that she can eat all sorts of things and lots of it at only 7 weeks
post-op. I am deciding to share my response to her with hopes that it
can help others too :)

"I definately can't do sugar or carbonated drinks but I can eat a lot
more than I thought would ever be possible. How I am looking at this is
that just because I can do something doesn't mean I should. I remember
what someone (a 1 year post-op) told me right before my surgery and that
was "don't push it" along with a similar message of "just because you
can doesn't mean you should." At 5 months post-op, I am finding that
this was terrific advice, and I am trying to hold true to this.

"Outside of my first 2 weeks post-op when I was not a good post-op role
model, I've been able to stick to some clear cut rules for myself - no
fried food, no oil, no carbonation, no sugar, no high fat food, no
bread, no rice, no pasta, no soft high calorie foods (like SF icecream,
pudding, etc.), eat protein first, drink lots and lots, etc. And so far
things are working out ok.

"Don't get me wrong - I have been tempted LOL but I keep thinking to
myself "don't push it". What happens if I try a bite of that delicious
looking cake? Either I dump and then regret trying it. Or I don't dump
and regret trying it because I've now opened a door that I didn't want
to open. I figure that if I don't try opening certain doors, I'll never
know what's behind them. Rather, I can just stick to opening the doors I
know are safe (high protein solids, healthy low GI carbs found in
veggies, steamed foods, Crystal Light, decaf coffees and tea, non-fat
cheeses, Eggbeaters, etc.)


5 MONTHS POST-OP, OCTOBER 2003


~~~~~~10/2/03 Thursday, 12:00 am - Weight 276
I sure hope this finds everyone having a wonderful, peaceful night! I am
up late again because today is my official 5 month "monthiversary" since
my surgery! I didn't lose a lot of weight this last month (only 12 lbs),
but I can't really complain as I am now down 92 lbs. I was hoping to
reach the 100 lbs lost mark by today, but I guess we can't always get
what we wish for! And it will happen soon enough anyway.

So, going back to where I started - I am up late because I've been
uploading my newest 5 month photos up to my profile and picturetrail
account. I can't believe the difference - especially in my face. What's
wierd is that my face is thinner now than when I'd dieted (and weighed
less) before. I am feeling so good these days, and if needed to, I'd
have the surgery all over again! I definately have no regrets having had
the surgery!


~~~~~~10/2/03 Thursday, 8:00 am - Weight 275
Gosh, thank you too all who provided the nicest of feedback rg my
profile and progress! Certainly brought a smile to my face this morning!
I am feeling pretty good these days and looking so much better - now if
only the back of my arms would go away LOL The skin is already starting
to overhang the elbow, and I can only imagine what it will be like in
another 140 lbs LOL. My nanna on my dad's side has never been
overweight, yet she has always had super flabby arms, so perhaps it is
partly genetic too? I do see PS in my future, but would love to think I
will be able to get away without it. In the meantime, I am doing some
weights at the gym almost every time I go, and I sure hope that I can
tone them up a lot more (and the rest of me too :).

After being up late last night, I am up early again this morning because
hubby called to say that he got rearended on the 5 Fwy as he was heading
to work. Have I mentioned that I HATE CA if for only this reason? The
traffic, roads, and resultant accidents are just aweful out here... I am
so thankful that he's ok though. One of my biggest fears in life is that
one day I will receive a call or visit from the police saying that he
was killed in a car crash. That happened to his best friend, Joe, in
mid-august, and is a valid concern living out here in SoCal. Alan's car
was totalled from behind, so he's getting it towed and then renting a
car so that he can get to work for the next several days. Hmmm... do you
think that this will count for the token yearly accident and that he'll
be safe for another year (which by that time we will be in PA already)?
LOL

Some other great news - the restoration company started demoing (sp?)
the house in PA yesterday, so restorations have officially begun :) It
won't be too much longer 'till Alan and me will be moving to PA!
(sometime in Spring 2004 most likely :) Yea!!!


~~~~~~10/2/03 Thursday, 8:00 pm - Weight 275
Hmmmm... You think I'm getting a little too happy with the camera?! LOL
I feel so vain these days! But it's not really that. Rather, it's an
issue of "is this really me???" I don't see this pretty person when I
look in the mirror. I'm not sure I'd say that I look almost 400 lbs
still, but I definately don't see me in the mirror the same way as when
I see myself in the photos. And I was certain that the photos were lying
and making me look thinner than I am, but Alan assures me that this is
what I really look like. It's so odd, because God only knows that I've
lost this weight before plus a bit more but I don't remember ever not
recognizing myself. I thought I would have been immune to this body
distortion issue supposedly common for many post-ops, but apparently I'm
not immune to it at all...


~~~~~~10/6/03 Monday, 10:30 am - Weight 275
Alan and I participated in the CHOC Walk yesterday morning :) It was a 4
1/2 mile walk in the park (actually a walk in 2 parks - through
Disneyland and California Adventure, plus Downtown Disney), and we had a
great time :) There were an estimated 14,000 people who together raised
$750,000 for the Children’s Hospital of Orange County. Thank you to
everyone who sponsored our walk! With the help of your generous
donations, we raised $450.00 for such a worthwhile cause!

I did great and per my sweetie, had my "second wind throughout the walk"
:) Today my hips are a bit sore, and as with the 5K Walk From Obesity, I
am retaining lots of water now that it is over. It feels wonderful to
have been able to do the walk though! I sure wouldn't have done it 92
lbs ago!


~~~~~~10/7/03 Tuesday, 12:30 pm - Weight 273
I've been having more fun updating my profile and guestbook today :) I
love the roses background that I added, and I also did something that
I've been thinking of doing for a long while and that is to create a
"Must Haves for Post-Ops" list. I created this in my PictureTrail and
hope everyone will visit! If you know of a must have that I should add,
please feel free to email me and I can add it!

A few people have been writing congratulating me on my success so far
and asking what I am doing in terms of eating, drinking, and my
vitamins. So here is what a typical day looks like for me right now:

I try to get in at least 80 oz of fluid a day, and many days I can drink
as much as 100 oz. While many say we should be completely avoiding
carbs, they are needed for intestinal health. But things like bread,
pasta and rice, and potatos are off limits. The same goes with sugary
and high fat foods/drinks. I am careful not to get in more than 20 grams
of fat per day (and many days take in less than 10 gms of fat). As such,
anything fried is also off limits. I try to get in enough calories per
day so that my metabolism doesn't slow even more than it is already (due
to all the previous yoyo dieting) - I try to eat about 700 to 800
calories a day.

Here's a sample of what I eat in a day:
morning - 2 eggbeaters and 2 slices American non-fat cheese. & chewable
BA iron and BA B12 sublingual
snack - 2 oz non-fat lifetime cheese & BA multi-vit & 2 BA chewable
calcium
lunch - Nectar green apple protein drink (8 oz)
snack - SF popsicle or fruit - sometimes more non-fat cheese or beef
jerky or Starbucks SF/FF decaf vanilla latte & 2 BA chewable calcium
dinner - 2 to 3 oz of some form of meat or fish with a couple bites of
green beans or zucchini (my favorite dinners are steamed garlic chicken
or grilled chicken parmesian)
late night snack - I try to avoid this but if I am VERY hungry, I will
have a pickle, a SF popsicle or decaf coffee & BA multi-vit & 2 BA
chewable calcium

I drink watered down Crystal Light (1/4 C.L. and 3/4 water) throughout
the day and average about 80 oz per day.

For exercise, I try to exercise (treadmill, swimming laps, and weight
training) for at least an hour every other day, and every night, I do
some resistance band training. I hope to incorporate a daily morning
walk and some yoga into my regime.


~~~~~~10/9/03 Thursday, 8:30 am - Weight 270 lbs (-97 lbs!!!)
The following was written for one of my very special longer-term post-op
angelettes who's been having a hard time staying on track. I thought I
would share it here so that others having a hard time could benefit too.

"Yes, your angel is absolutely here and reading too... AND sending you
loving hugs and tons of support!

Sweetie, here's what you do - you simply start again. I know that sounds
too "simple", but it will help. Just figure that we are all going to
have up times AND down times, and we can't allow ourselves back into
that place of beating ourselves up over when we fail. For that is a SURE
way to really fail. But when we have setbacks, it doesn't have to mean
failure. It CAN mean that we catch ourselves as early as we can and we
hop back on the track.

And yes! You CAN do this! I've seen you do it before and you are awesome
on hopping back on the track :) You have done SOOOOOOOO amazing! You are
like -120 or -130 lbs down now in 7 months, right? And you have been
maintaining your weight all this month! It sounds like more of a plateau
than failure to me. Nevermind what you can eat as compared to others.
Heck, I can eat a lot too at one meal - lots more than I'd ever imagined
possible. And yes, when we only eat once per day, that amount can
increase.

Sweetie, you have been going through some VERY rough times outside of
your weight loss, and the fact that you have still been able to do so
well following your surgery is terrific. You should be very proud of
yourself for that. Just because you went off track doesn't negate all
the wonderful progress you've already made.

So, as your angel, here's what I propose:
- Start back with basics - do SF liquids and protein shakes for a couple
of days - try to let no more than 3 hours go between
any "meal".
- Read the "Pouch Rules for Dummies" again and make a concerted
effort to stick to those rules:
(ie: no drinking with meals or for 1/2 hour afterwards, water load as
much as possible, eat solid foods with lots of protein and stear clear
of bread, rice, pasta and potatoes, etc.)
- try for some form of exercise/activity each day - and if you are super
bogged down with things to do, cleaning your house can count as physical
activity :) You can up the calories expended by throwing on some music
and dancing while you clean!
- keep coming back here to the post-op group for support (and this will
keep you accountable too)

I love you lots and KNOW you can do this! You've come toooooo far to
turn back now!
 

~~~~~~10/9/03 Thursday, 10:30 am - Weight 270 lbs (-97 lbs!!!)
I got my dreaded period this past Saturday, and every month so far my
weight loss has come to a screeching halt once it started and stayed
stopped for a week to 2 weeks. But this week, I am still losing almost a
lb a day despite the dreaded monthly! I am hoping that this lb a day
will continue for a little bit, bringing me over that 100 lb mark in a
few more days :) (3 to 4 days more as I am down exactly 96.5 lbs as of
this morning :)

Hmmm... to celebrate my joining the century club? What I REALLY want to
commemorate this occasion is a pair of amethyst earings LOL or a
tanzanite (sp?) ring would be awesome LOL Somehow I doubt I'll be
getting the latter and probably even the first! (Hubby and I are needing
to save our monies for the house in PA and now it looks like a car given
his was totalled in the accident last week.)

But, the COOLEST thing happened to me this morning - I received a phone
call from one of the staff members at ObesityHelp.com. There is going to
be a TV show pilot called "You Better Be Ready" on NBC that either will
be shown (or taped) this November 1st. The topic will be a total
makeover (hair, makeup, clothing, etc.) for a Southern Californian who's
had WLS and has lost at least 100 lbs. And yup, you guessed it,
ObesityHelp chose me to be that person :) The staff member called me to
find out if I'd be interested, and of course, I said YES! LOL So this
could be my way of celebrating :)


~~~~~~10/9/03 Thursday, 11:00 pm - Weight 270 lbs (-97 lbs!!!)
Hi everyone :) I spoke with Tina who works with the company working on
behalf of the NBC show today. Apparently, while ObesityHelp recommended
me for the show, there are other women being considered for it. So
please keep your fingers crossed that I will be the person chosen for
the show :) This would be such an amazing way to celebrate my reaching
the century club! Not to mention, a new makeover these days is SORELY
needed LOL Sending hugs to all!


~~~~~~10/11/03 Saturday, 6:00 pm - Weight 270 lbs (-97 lbs!!!)
Alan and I had an awesome day today! This past Thursday, we finally sold
some of our furniture, and today, we spent a few hours cleaning and
organizing the garage. We were FINALLY able to get to our bikes (that
were hidden in the back), cleaned them off, filled the tires with air,
and went for a ride throughout our condo complex and for about a mile or
two on the Aliso Creek Trail across from where we live :) Alan and I
rode our Specialized Rockhoppers, and one of our sweet neighbors,
Debbie, joined us by riding my Schwin Cruiser. It's hard to imagine that
it's been over 3 years since I've ridden my bike! It felt odd at first,
and I am sure my legs will feel it tomorrow LOL, but it made for a
wonderful day! Alan and I plan to go biking again tomorrow, this time on
our tandem (see photo below) as well as for a long walk on the trail.

Even at 270 lbs which is heavier than where many start out pre-op, I am
already finding that I can do so so much more. I am truly beginning to
participate again in life :)


~~~~~~10/12/03 Sunday, 4:45 pm - Weight 269.5 lbs (-97.5 lbs!!!)
Hi everyone! I can't thank everyone enough for all the wonderful
feedback about the photo of me and my hubby, Alan, biking that I posted
yesterday :) We, indeed, had an incredible time! Today, my butt hurt so
bad from the bike's seat LOL, that we forewent riding our tandem today.
We did, however, go for a 2 1/2 mile walk on the trail :)


~~~~~~10/16/03 Thursday, 8:15 pm - Weight 269 lbs (-98 lbs)

BROKEN PROMISES
White long-furred, stitched blue-eyed kitten dangles from girl’s arm as
she joyfully frolics down sidewalk to meet her mother. Glances at
mother’s face and already knows she will be admonished for the gift
received. Large teary eyes peer down at cold concrete, “Give it back;
you can not accept this!” She retreats to live in a war zone with mother
sick and father enraged, tossed like a ball from poppi’s to grandpa’s –
from stoicism to no boundaried violation. And she hides. Vicariously
thrives in characters of books, escapes and hides in numbness. Commits
herself to reclaiming her power through education, career and a little
white kitty with blue eyes, named Mia, who no one can take away. She
lives through her twenties, Mia at her side, source of comfort, safety,
independence and calm. Gentle souled Mia, with raccoon eye, folded ears,
and silk fur has surely been a stabilizing factor in this life. But aged
eleven, still young, her liver is found to have tumors throughout, and
inside I feel self falter, as little girl cries. God has broken his
promise once again.

© 10/4/02, Caroline Ann Martin

I am having a bit of a hard time right now and am so needing support. It
is hard for me to write but I feel I need to write something. Please
understand if I am not here for a couple of days. I am needing to take
some time to process the loss of my kitty, Mia. Mia died sometime last
night, and this morning I found her in the office dead under the desk
where it is dark and quiet. My angelette Patty was wonderful in helping
me get Mia out from there and helping me bring her to Banfield where she
will be creamated and then given back to me. I am heartbroken to say the
least. I had her for over 13 years since she was only a few weeks old,
and she meant the world to me.
Please keep me and my hubby in your prayers.